YOLO: theory and practice

i didn't use to feel comfortable with me.
i was thinking about that this morning, while preparing to go to the Hungarian language lesson.

a lot of things change over time. usually in my life it happens very rapidly.
i didn't use to feel bright, or either beautiful.
in fact i passed a lot of time judging me when i related with myself. i just didn't have the fun that now i have when i think about me.
i was always wondering what other people would have thought about me. there was this vicious little voice in my head telling me that i was too nerdy, too unfriendly, too unpopular, and so on (proof of the fact that we can REALLY become the worst enemies of ourselves).
i had friends that kept telling me that the only important thing was what i think about myself, but i committed the mistake to think that they were telling me that just out of their love for me, and that in fact i had to keep pursuing outher's admiration in order to succeed.

i'm stubborn. when i am persuaded of something,nobody can stop me. i had to realize by myself that the important thing is ultimately to feel good, because really, life is far too short to keep snipping the soul with those foolish thoughts.
i just had to ask truthfully to myself: "whose opinion may change my day first?" to realize that it was my opinion that mattered the most. the other people's opinion has an importance as long as it is given with heart and rationality by those who can actually see me. period.

i do not want to depict it as an easy thing to do. it isn't.
i just think that the same amount of energy put in judging me can be put in trying to make a habit to observe my worth, intelligence, beauty, splendor. i want to try to see every mistake i do as a step forward, i want to try to laugh at my mistakes, to joke with myself rather than giving to my mistakes the power to hurt me and making me feel bad. it is a power that they are not suppose to exercise. i am.
when i did those little things inside me for a while, i found the strenght to change step by step what i didn't like in my life. i started changing by concentrating on what was the nearest project that i could realize that made me progress towards what i wanted for me.
i am fond of  Stephen Hawking's sentence  "wherever you are, there is always something that you can do.". even a little thing can make us feel better when we are doing it towards our inner passions.

i want to give thanks to my teachers.
thank you to the great loves, thank you to the children that laughed at me in kindergarden, to the friends that are gone, to those who will always stay, to the people i didn't choose, to the people that rejected me, to the cats, to the family that taught me that blood is less important than spiritual bounds, to the morning, to the nights spent awake, to the girl friends, to the coffee, to the Carribean Sea, to the people i chose, to my travels, to the horrors of the Worls and his Great Beauty, .... and many many more.
everything and everyone were my spiritual teachers. they were always with me. i could perceive them only when i was ready, the teachers always come when the scholar is ready.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."  Buddha