Challenge the comfort-zone

sometimes to write our bewilderment down helps. 

i will never get why i provoke some particular feelings reflected in some sentences typically addressed to me. 

imagine me just speacking normally to someone about my experiences, inclined to compare interests and life events constructively. well, the thing is that a lot of people start to feel almost uneasy and to tell me "oh but you lived such intense experiences, i really have nothing to say about that."  or  "you're so mature, of course you know better"  or  "are you real?". 

my first reaction is bewilderment. i use to say "i'm just telling you an experience, no big deal if you lived different stuff in your life. i look forward to know something about you, not to hear that you went through the same events i did."  or   "ehm... i am just a normal person on her path, i'm still learning a lot... i really don't think about myself as a super hero.".

i use to smile. but it's not a real smile. 

i feel quite alone when i hear this sort of sentences.

i met people in my life who lived amazing experiences that i still didn't experienced myself, but it was a pleasure for me to listen to them and learn something new. then i spoke about something i lived, or asked more about them. i don't get why the average people are both attracted and scared by someone different. 

moreover, it is not my intention at all to provoke a sense of inferiority on my interlocutor. when it is crystal clear that she/he feels inferior, i question myself on what i said wrong, just to find out that most of the times it is not me, but their insecurity reflected on me.

the other thing that i don't like, is that this attitude kills the dialogue and therefore prevents me to learn something new from the person i am speacking with. 

there are no little or big experiences, there is just life, and how you see it. i found enlightenment in Central American farmers wisdom on life, in an Honduran washerwomen with an handicapped son. i grew up with a dad who skipped on every occasion of happiness he had to achieve something big, and nonetheless he is one of the best human beings i met.  

the truth is that when you put a person on a pedestal you distance her/him from you. 

it's more comfortable not to deal with someone who could question by her/his mere existance your lifestyle, your mindset, your fixed ideas... your dear narrow, dark, little comfort-zone. 

but you can't escape the fact that there is no distance between human beings. if someone could live or achieve something, you can do it too. our potential and true inner desires differ, but we are called to challenge our comfort-zone following our souls. it is the ultimate purpose of human interaction. when i hear something great achieved by someone, i think "come on... are you telling me that we could also do this? i did't imagine that!". 

nobody is perfect and we all experience fear and envy. instead of fear someone or be envious and dwell upon those feelings, we have the choice to take those feelings as a challenge to our comfort zone. those feelings help you question your choices, make you think if you're really going where your heart wants to bring you, and if you find yourself in peace with that aspect, you start to feel interest, joy and admiration for others. 

well... my hope has to be that i'll attract more constructive people in my life. 

people who will see Sarah as Sunlightkeeper, as a learner with insecurities and doubts, with tremendous courage to stand up again after failing, and recognising that we never really fail if we consider it as a teaching.  i want to be seen more as a travel companion than as an unreal unreachable person.  

Oriental vibe

when i was recently arrived in Hungary, i tried to enroll myself also in activities other than Erasmus traditional ones: attending lessons, parties, travels.

i was not alone in this survey, since one of my dearest friends here in Hungary joined me. Olivia, a funny, clever and cheerful Belgian girl whom i met at a ESN speed dating in February suggested me to go together to try a belly dance lesson for free.

when we went the first time to attend, we went to an advanced class, and the teacher Maya adviced us to just be present but not participate actively at the lesson since we'd better start with the beginners course.
i remember we were just sit on a futon oriental couch on the wooden floor of  the dance classroom, petting the surprisingly friendly Yorkshire Terriers of our teacher, staring those girls and women's naked feet flying on the lucid dancefloor.
they resembled all queens to me.
glorious, graceful, wonderfully feminine.

i have never seen a man in my belly dance school so far, since the art of belly dance is an exclusively women dominion when it is a performance, while as a social dance it can be occasionally performed also by men in some cultures such as Egyptian one. it is believed to have a long story in Middle East cultures, originally it was a kind of "fertility dance", celebrating the womanhood.
it is primarily a torso-driven dance, with an emphasis on articulation of the hips.
it is also a solo kind of dance, when you don't have any men "directing" you.
yes. i have to admitt it. i am awful at being directed by somebody. i saw it when i learnt to dance Salsa in Central America. you have to trust your partner, and let him "drive the dance". i was full of ideas about what to do, but i had to follow my partner. uff...
despite of this, i think that couple dancing would be a good excersise for me to learn to trust people more, which is not easy at all for someone betrayed by the first human being she knew. i think that it is something i will do in my future. maybe Latin American couple dance or even Valzer, or Rock couple dance.

but let's come back to belly dance. as a belly dancer you are the queen of the dancefloor. your movements enchant your audience, your customs are gorgeous and shiny.
let's just say that belly dance got both me and Olivia that day.
we started to go to belly dance classes on a weekly basis. we even bought shiny, noisy belly dance scarfs with a kind of pocket money charms on them, long colorful skirts and bras.
we involved other female friends to try a lesson, just to have fun with them.

i loved to see Maya dancing. she has this content smile on her face when she dances. we let ourselves succumb on her smile, and we start feeling blessed and relaxed as well.  it's passion.
i also love to move every abdominal muscle, and see the belly moving as a wave.
the first lesson i was an odd duck wandering on the dancefloor, but as weeks passed i started to feel that i was getting it. i have to say that the belly dance dress helped. never underestimate the power of personification.
seeing myself on the mirror wall dressed like a belly dancer convinced me that i am one, and it improved my confidence.

at the beginning of May, our teacher proposed to me and Olivia to perform on a true stage a belly dance choreography on June 7th.
wao.
when we started we didn't expect to be involved in a show!!

we were amazed by this opportunity. we almost immediately said yes, then we went out the building talking excited like teenagers on how amazing this circumstance was after just 2 months of classes, and thinking about the track for our choreography.
we chose the Sahara Mix of  Shakira "Whenever Wherever". we worked on it with Maya for two lessons. now we  are practicing the choreography one or two hours a day together, depending also by Olivia availability, since she recently started an internship here in Budapest.

i think that being on stage always helped me in my life.
as almost everyone, i am afraid by the public, but for me it's some kind of adrenaline positive-stress-excitement, like before diving from a high trampoline, or doing a university exam. i know that at some point in my life i'll get to be talking to the public often. i don't know exactly why, but i know it.

Adventures at the United Nations

 ì've just came back from Vienna to my Erasmus life in Budapest.that trip to Vienna was amazing since its very origins.

when i was having my solo travel in Istanbul i overnight at Hush Hostel in Kadikoy district. i had several roommates, and i have to say that i was hanging out having a chicken kebab with a group of Italian guys since the first night i passed in Istanbul. i strongly advice to consider hostels in solo travels, because at some point of the night you really feel good exchanging experiences in front of a dish of local food, even if during the day you are the solo explorer you dreamt to be.

well, the second day two girls arrived at the hostel at night and were assigned to my room.P and C were both former International Businness students, currently having their internships. they met during P Erasmus in Munich. P is a French girl, working as an intern at the United Nations in Vienna. C is an Indonesian girl, working as an intern for a major German company in Munich.  they were visiting P's friend living in Istanbul, who was supposed to be their guide.we had immediately plenty of topics to talk about, having the three of us the same international backgroud studies, being the three of us tireless wanderlust travelers. we exchanged contacts in Fb, and each night we met either in the hostel lounge or in our room  and chatted until late.one night V seriously invited me to visit her in Vienna in May, as she invited C as well, for the CCPCJ at the United Nations. it's the Commission on Crime Prevention and Criminal Justice meetings that was going to be held in Vienna this year. that was a terrific opportunity for an International Law student like me, besides Vienna is just two hours and a half by bus from Budapest, then i said i was most probably in.

i came back to Budapest, i went on with my studies, and eventually we kept in touch to exchange news about our travels, and the events in program during the CCPCJ. i was able to confirm my arrival just after all my exams dates were confirmed for the week before May 17th.i prepared my dear backpack. it will reveal itself as a rather comic feature of my personal appearance after, since the last day as Official Visitor at the UN i went around this international organisation seat dressed as if i were on a red carpet night with my backpack.

we met at Stephansplatz, then we went to P's flat and directly to the nearby Danube shores to see the twilight, the crazy Viennese windsurfers, the colorful boats and the magnificent swans sunbathing with their royal attitude, accepting food from the kids as if saying "You are such a lucky child that you can feed such an awesome bird like me. do you realize it?".

P has her own flat belonging to a fantastic couple, V and L, family friends of P's mother. V is a UN officer, with a long and bright carrier in Vienna. it's such a pleasure to meet women like these, smart and involved in international organizations and diplomacy. i want to be one of them, i'm preparing for it.   V lives with her family in the same building. Each morning she invited us for breackfast in her sunny flat with a fantastic view on the Danube.
in fact she was the person who made the entrance in the UN building possible for me and C, since there is a strict surveillance and very rigid admittance rules to enter in such an important place.V had to submit a written request, she had to accompany us to the registration office to obtain the Official Visitor badge, we had to show IDs,  and V had to take responsibility for us. i owe very much to this woman.

P had her work to do as an intern, although  the first morning she accompanied us to the Plenary Room at M building for the opening ceremony of the CCPCJ. even there you could find guards examining your level of pass. you could only be either a UN officer, an intern, a diplomat member of a delegation or an Official Visitor to be admitted. Private Visitors or Public Visitors were not allowed to attend CCPCJ

.it was speechless... i had the opportunity to see what i studied during my several International Law courses in action... i was happy like a child in a sweets shop!!I walked among the seats of the representatives of all countries in the world with the same expression on my face like Scrat in the Nut Heaven. i spoke with the Honduran representative, a coronel wearing a military suit with so much medals on he could seem either a Christmas tree or a military dictator in a parade. we remembered together my second home country, he showed the pictures of Roatan Island on his IPad to me and the girls. he did not spoke a word of English, and i noticed that he was not alone. we saw several representatives at UN wearing the translation earphones on while diplomats were speacking in English. it seemed incredible to me.
i went to the Italian delegation, to meet my representatives. they were three and they sat at the front table (some countries, the major contributors, don't sit in alphabetical order like the others but right in front of the bar). well, they asked what i was studying and what kind of specialization i was planning to follow. they gave me their cards and they told me to write in case i needed contacts for an internship, which i will definitely do.  we took pictures together.

when the ceremony started, i had the opportunity to see the procedures about which i read in my books in action... like the approval by acclamation, or the speeches of the Groups inside UN assembly. they are kinda diplomatic boilerplates speeches in which the head of the group expresses congratulations to the Chairman, and the position of the countries she/he represents against international crimes. after this ceremony we went to the various super interesting side events of CCPCJ, conferences about very present issues concerning international crimes, like human trafficking, slavery, cibercrimes... during lunch break P showed us the place of the UN restaurant. a very modern furnished canteen where you can have a superb meal for 3 euros. i felt like an Italian Parliament mamber. we used to eat together with the other interns, P's colleagues. i collected a lot of fresh materials about international criminal law and its implementation results, my poor bag was filled of booklets each and every day.

well, at night we had dinner in Vienna centre, where you can really find super good places to eat, even if they don't use to be as cheap as in Budapest.
i've always loved Vienna.
the last time i visited it was in February with my fresh Erasmus new girl friends. being the weather so freacking cold we focused on visiting museums, even if we had the chance to go for a beautiful free walking tour of the city centre. let me say that everything is better under a warmer weather!
people walking through Vienna seem to be quiet and happy most of the times... i can perfectly believe the statistics telling that Vienna is the first city for welfare in Europe to live.
i loved being with the girls as well, exchanging funny and tragic confidences on dates and boyfriends with two smart girls was worth the travel itself.

i lived all this trip as a privilege. i learnt a lot and i saw something that very few International Law students can see before graduating.  being an Official Visitor was possible because i met wonderful people on my path. i am so grateful for that.

Vienna & UN photo gallery

Interrail trip Pécs photo gallery

Pècs restroom epiphany

During the last weeks apart from attending my lectures and social undertakes (first of all here i am an Erasmus), i used every leisure day for my Interrail travels around Hungary.

i bought the Interrail ticket valid for this month, before my departure. it is a smart way to visit my Erasmus Country, and Hungary is particularly suitable to put this travel strategy in practice.
unlike my home Country, almost every place  in Hungary may be visited in one day.
that is to say, i departed from Budapest at morning and i made each travel a daily trip to visit various cities across Hungary coming back to Budapest at night.

sometimes i went with friends, once even with Mark, my boyfriend, and some other times i made solo trips.

yesterday i went for a solo trip to Pecs, one of the most beautiful cities you can find in Hungary, located in the South,
as i do for all my solo travels, i put on the most comfortable and ordinary clothes. i want to pass as unobserved as possible. it makes me feel safer, but most of all gives me the feeling of observing the world being observed the least possible back. i use to put on the most neutral colors i have in my wardrobe to be more effective.
yesterday i even chose to wear my glasses. the nightmare of my teenage years. i've never used to like myself with glasses. even now that they're a fashion trend, i'm not that much convinced.

well, to make a long story short, i arrived to Pècs, and i started to visit the "belvaros" the old historical city centre. it is a clean and colorful city with a wonderful warm climate that makes the wines from this part of Hungary particularly sweet and tasty.
unlike the other Hungarian towns seen so far, Pècs is full of fountains. most of the fountains are modern fashioned, but more historical ones are present in the historical centre as well.

since i chose as "Interrail month" April, i could enjoy the spring across Hungary. in Pècs spring means huge intoxicatingly perfumed gardens across the ancient city walls.
i walked slowly across flowers, fountains and trees with my Reflex, and the eyes filled with beauty.

here i saw the most upstanding church so far in this Country.
Szent Peter Bazilika stands with its four huge brown belfries on the bottom side of Dòm ter, solemn and noisy. yes, because every quarter of an hour something emitts noise in this square. i wasn't even able to guess from where, somtimes they were bells and sometimes metallic sounds.
the interior of Szent Peter were awesomly golden and magnificently painted. as i told to a friend of mine in front of the best pasta alla bolognese tasted since i live here, "i would put my Italian passport on that stuff!".

as i always do in my trips, after walking across the town i choose my favourite place, the one i want to observe for a while, i pick a bar, i sit and i order an espresso.
as a friend of mine today pointed me out, it's my ritual.
after sitting for a while i continue walking. this time i tought better to go to the restroom before keep wanderig for who knows how longer.
right before washing my hands i randomly stared at the mirror.
i met a face of a serious young girl with eyes that seem to have seen much of this world and thought much through. for an instant i didn't recognise me.
i remember to have felt a wave of admiration. the bizarre thing is that i had felt not-that-much-in-shape all day, since i went out of my flat in Budapest almost in pajamas. the point is that when i know that i don't look great, i mind it. in spite of this, that moment i had one sentence printed on my mind: "you couldn't be ugly to me even if you wanted to."
that moment i looked at my image as Mark does when he's around.
i know... i didn't plan to talk about my personal life here, but... hey, i gave up on my privacy rights when i subscribed my Facebook account, so it can't be any worse.

oh, yeah, Mark.
no matter if i just woke up from a crazy night and forgot my makeup on (looking kind of a sleepy panda) Mark is able to look at me with eyes filled with love.  "love" meaning eyes that tells you "everything you are it's ok, because it's you and i love you".
the same eyes my father puts on me when talking about me. "i just love you no matter what. if you felt to do it, then i'll help you through.".

that moment in front of the mirror in a restroom of a bar in Pècs, i looked at myself exactly like that. feeling a wave of admiration for the miracle i am. i felt gratitude for being there, in a toilet in a foreign country. i was grateful for the woman i become after going through what i went through.
dude, i was so moved that i felt the urge to dance out of joy.

a moment after i was again Sarah. the Sarah that uses to look at herself mostly with a "you can push yourself more" gaze. the exigent judge. i landed right on my super-ego.

i know that this happy grateful girl is Sarah too. she is Sunlightkeeper. she is what is beautyful in everything, because thanks to her i can see beauty and grace. i want to share this moment with you dudes.
if it happens to look at the mirror and see your inner incorrupted beauty, just remember to smile back to yourself.